


The Wrong Sort

by November Snowflake (novembersnow)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-24
Updated: 2012-04-24
Packaged: 2017-11-04 05:37:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/390344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/novembersnow/pseuds/November%20Snowflake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the ficlet your mother warned you about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Wrong Sort

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted February 18, 2003.
> 
> Bonibaru put the idea in my head, and some random member of Veela Inc. put it in hers. Structure blatantly ripped off from the lovely Maya. I'm sure they're both thrilled to have their names attached to this thing, however tangentially.
> 
> WARNING: This sort of contains non-con. Nothing explicit enough to merit the archive warning, I think, but still. If you're uncomfortable with not-exactly-consensual elf-on-hat action, I suggest pressing the back button now.

*soft sound of a door opening*

"Oh, my. Professor Dumbledore's office is as beautiful as Dobby remembers." *trailing fingers* "So many books. So many interesting things." *spins around* "Dobby should probably sit down. Professor Dumbledore said he would be only a few minutes. But there is so much in here for Dobby to see!" *hops around, then stops* "Oooh, what is _that_?" *climbs onto chair* "Dobby must try on the wrinkly hat." *puts it on his head*

"Put me down, house-elf!"

*startled, almost drops hat* "The hat talks to Dobby! What kind of hat is this?"

"I am a Sorting Hat."

*wide eyes* "A Sorting Hat? What does a Sorting Hat do?"

"I sort students into their correct Houses on their first night at Hogwarts. Now, please, put me back on the shelf."

"Sorting Hat has such a pretty voice."

*affronted* "I do not! I am a very masculine hat!"

"So pretty…."

"Put me back on the shelf, house-elf!"

*dreamily* "Is you sorting every Hogwarts student?"

"Yes. Every student. That's my job."

"Even Harry Potter?"

"I—yes, Harry Potter. Why do you want to know?"

*hums a little* "Harry Potter is Dobby's friend."

"Well, that's nice—augghhh! Stop that! Don't you know I can see what's in your mind?"

"Oh!" *flustered* "Sorting Hat can read Dobby's mind?"

"Yes, you perverted little creature! Now put me back on the shelf at once!"

"Sorting Hat is so forceful. Sorting Hat yells at Dobby. Mmm."

"Yes, well—augghhhh! Augghhh! Stop it! STOP IT! That is more than I ever needed to know about the Malfoy family."

"Dobby is sorry, but can't help it. Dobby does have some good memories of his former masters."

*weak voice* "Thank goodness the Malfoys don't have any more children for me to sort. Then again, knowing what they get up to in their spare time—" *shudders* "—I'm not surprised."

"Master Lucius didn't always use his cane—"

"Please! Enough! _Enough!_ "

"Dobby didn't mean to upset Sorting Hat."

*sulkily* "Well, you have."

"Let Dobby make it up to Sorting Hat."

"No—no, really, that's quite all right. Please, stop what you're doing with your hand. That's not—"

"Dobby likes to pet Sorting Hat."

"—that's not a nice touching place. Gah! Bad touch, Dobby! _Bad touch!_ "

"Sorting Hat has such a pretty, high-pitched voice…."

*strangled sound* "Stop that, oh, stop that right now."

"Dobby isn't doing anything."

"Stop your _thinking_. Oh, lord, I can see in your head."

"Sorting Hat is so smart."

"Dobby." *whimper* "Dobby, you can't do that with a hat."

"Sorting Hat is smart. Sorting Hat could figure out how."

"No, Dobby, Sorting Hat will NOT figure out how—augghhh!"

"Ooh, Sorting Hat…."

*shrill scream* "Put me back on your head, Dobby! Your _head_!"

"Sorting Hat is so soothing…."

*incoherent whimpers of distress*

"Sorting Hat is everything Dobby has wanted. Sorting Hat talks to Dobby, Sorting Hat is…" *moan* "… _clothes_ —"

*doorslam*

"Dobby, what are you doing?!"

*gasp* "Professor Dumbledore, sir!"

"Put the hat down, Dobby. Put it _down_."

*drops hat* "Dobby can explain, Professor Dumbledore, sir—"

*sobs from the hat*

*coldly* "I think I know exactly what happened here, Dobby. You should go now."

*hangs head* "Yes, sir, Professor Dumbledore, sir."

*soft opening and closing of the door*

*wailing* "Oh, Albus!"

*soothing* "That's all right, Sorting Hat. There, there. We'll just clean you up a bit and you'll be fine." *pulls out wand, whispers*

*sobs* "Oh, thank you, Albus, thank you. Oh, the horror! The horror!"

"I know, Sorting Hat, I know. It'll be all right."

"I tried to tell him no, but he wouldn't listen—"

"It's OK, Sorting Hat. I know it's not your fault."

*mournful* "It's all too awful."

"Is there anything else I can do for you, Sorting Hat?"

"…Yes."

"What is it?"

*pause* "Help me forget, Albus."

*strokes a hand down the hat* "Oh, Sorting Hat." *low chuckle* "Gladly."


End file.
